by Daryl Hoole with Elaine Hoole Quinn

Trials and tribulations, an integral part of our sojourn in mortality, have been allowed by an all wise Father in Heaven to facilitate our growth and progress and to stir us up in remembrance of Him. Even though we understand that these experiences can be for our good, they nevertheless affect our lives and families in challenging ways. Sometimes the test comes through the suffering of others; other times it is a personal affliction.

Our daughter, Elaine, was diagnosed with depression fourteen years ago. We encouraged her to share her story in our book, The Ultimate Career, so that others who suffer from illnesses may find help and hope. Following are excerpts from her story as she told it in her own words in Chapter 17, “When Illness Strikes Home — One Woman's Story ofDepression.”

Sixteen years ago during a beautiful April day in 1991, I found myself asking out loud, “What is wrong with me?” I had just turned twenty-nine when some bothersome physical symptoms began troubling me. For instance, I felt tired, anxious, and weighed down. I couldn't function normally, and I felt uncharacteristically apathetic. The symptoms became more and more debilitating. I dragged myself through many days. When I started becoming teary (for no reason that I could think of) and telling my children, “Mommy just has a bad cold,” I was worried.

I began to pray to Heavenly Father that this “thing” would just go away. I pleaded for a long time while making a plan for snapping myself out of whatever it was. I revamped my running program, ate more vegetables, called a sitter and went to lunch with some friends. I went shopping and bought items for a fun new sewing project. I also made an effort to be more consistent with my scripture studying. I tried ignoring the symptoms, hoping they would go away. When I continued to go downhill I was very upset and didn't know what to think. I read my scriptures and prayed and napped and then read my scriptures and prayed and napped again. (I wasn't even a “napper.”)

During one of my prayers I felt that I was asking for the wrong things. Just asking to have it “go away” was not the right petition. I had to admit that the prayer was a little wimpy. There is something about pain that humbles a person. So I asked God to please point the direction I should go. It was then that answers started to come.

About ten weeks later I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder accompanied with anxiety. Mark, my husband, was with me at the doctor's office when the doctor gave the diagnosis and explained to us why medication was necessary in treating this illness.

It was difficult to understand everything. What was depression, anyway? Whether or not to take medication was a hard decision. The doctor assured us that the medications were safe, non-addictive, and were not “uppers” or tranquilizers. I was worried that taking medication was just putting a bandage on the problem and not getting to the root of it. Nevertheless, not being able to function, I finally agreed to try medication.

Yet still not understanding, I insisted on the lowest dosage possible. The doctor held back a smile and said, “Elaine, they are not handing out medals. You take whatever dosage is right for your body.”

Well, I thought, I want a medal! He was not LDS so I couldn't explain to him that I had grown up listening to stories of pioneers crossing the plains. I believed that I was supposed to “pull myself up by my bootstraps,” just like the courageous pioneers had done through their trials. Relying on medication seemed to be the easy way out.

Unrealistically, I still felt as if I had some control in making the symptoms go away. I like control and I wanted to be in charge. I did not understand that depression was truly a physical illness that needed to be treated medically. In time I learned that a “positive mental attitude” was a great help in coping but was not a cure for a depressive illness.

A Path towards Wellness

I found that taking medication was not the “easy” way out. It was just the beginning of a path towards wellness.

Some of the steps along this path are:

Learn all you can. Regardless of the illness from which we may be suffering, knowledge is power. I didn't know what was going on with my body. I was scared! I didn't know anything about depression as an illness, and I found myself devouring everything I could find about it. I came to know that depression was a physical illness with many symptoms, and not just sadness. I came to know that it was disabling, painful, dark, and devastating.

I also came to understand that many people suffer from depressive illnesses and that these illnesses are quite commonly misunderstood. I was visiting with a friend one day after I was first diagnosed, and I still remember the sting of one comment she made. “Elaine, you have a good husband, three beautiful daughters, a nice home, and you're thin! Why would you be depressed?” It hurt because I had no answer.

Why would a normally healthy and happy woman go into her closet and sob? Why would everything seem so dark and hopeless? As I cried, I felt incredible pain. I felt that life had no value. I felt too sick to pick my head up off the pillow each morning. My legs might as well have been paralyzed because I could not move. I felt physically ill and emotionally strangled, and there seemed to be no escape. It made no sense. For instance, I could be surrounded by family and friends, yet feel alone. Good things could be happening, yet I felt despair. Previously simple tasks were too overwhelming to complete.

It did not make sense, but it was real. Depression is real. As I look back to my days in the “black hole,” I get teary as I remember the pain and despair.

Get an Education. I felt I was led to various books and articles to read. I gained a perspective on the illness. I was able to cope better as I learned and understood more. This knowledge helped me make educated decisions on how to approach attacking the illness. I came to realize I had to learn to do whatever I could do to help myself.

The more I learned, the more I realized that I needed the Lord more than I had ever before. I thought I had a lot of faith, but this trial was testing my faith and showing me where I was weak. Fear is an opposition to faith, and I was full of fear. I worried about a lot of things, such as: What is happening to me? Will I ever get better? How will I make it through the day? What about my husband and children? What are they going to do? How will it affect them? How is my life going to change?

Get professional help. When I first became ill, my self-esteem dropped significantly. Not only is low self-esteem a common symptom of depression, but also I didn't realize how much of my self-esteem was tied to how much I could get done in a day. I had always been a capable person and I now felt that I wasn't capable of much. Not only did my self-esteem drop, but also “guilt” became my middle name. My psychiatrists suggested I see a psychologist. Studies have found that people suffering with depression and other types of illnesses should also have “cognitive therapy” as part of their treatment. It was another hard decision, but I was beginning to trust my doctor, and I really felt that I did need someone to talk with about the “blackness” of depression.

Talk about the illness. I made a mistake right up front deciding not to worry my children with a diagnosis that mommy was really sick. I would just fake it or feign a cold or the flu. I had only three children at the time and they were young — ages 5, 3, and 1. I felt they would not be aware of all the struggles I was going through.

Then one day my doctor happened to question me, “You've told your children about this, haven't you?” I replied that I didn't want to burden them with it. Boy, did I get a scolding. Did I really think

that my children were not aware that something was wrong? Were Mark and I just going to let their imaginations run wild?

I realized that worrying about something is worse than the truth, and children can handle truth. The doctor said they would have some questions. And they did, I am embarrassed to admit. They wanted to know if I was going to die, if the illness was contagious, if I was okay, if I would be all right, if I was happy, and so forth. They seemed pleased and comforted that Mark and I, as their parents, had opened up to them.

Another time, during a low moment when I was feeling particularly distraught, I said to Mark, “I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to leave me.” He looked at me as if I had hit him. “We are in this together!” he exclaimed. “I would never leave you, I love you,” he declared as he gave me a hug. “Wouldn't you do the same for me if things were reversed? Honey, we are in this together.”

Well, of course, I would not leave him and, of course, I would take care of him if he were sick. I knew he would never leave just because the going got tough, yet I did feel he got stuck with this and it was not his fault. It wasn't my fault either, but I felt insecure at times. Being ill can sometimes have an effect on your perspective and you need to talk things out. It wasn't always easy, but we were able to express ourselves honestly and discuss many things and give each other strength and comfort.

When a family is struggling with a difficult life circumstance, there are three things they should do: communicate, communicate, communicate.

Simplify. There were other important items to discuss. We reevaluated our priorities. We talked about meals, chores, and children's activities. When things came up that we needed to talk about, we would determine what really mattered and then focus on that. We discussed the need to sacrifice things such as time, money, and personal interests.

The adjustment wasn't easy. Sometimes tears were shed, we had many bottled spaghetti dinner nights and morning sock crises, yet we did learn to do our best under the circumstances and serve each other.

Accept others' help. Mark was a strong, constant source of encouragement, comfort, and help. Some evenings he would come home and say, “You are off duty, let me take over for a while so you can rest.” I tried my best to keep up with things, so as not to add more burdens on him, but I did need his help.

Mark never gave up hope for my becoming well again. One thing he did that made a huge difference is that he got involved. He learned about the illness himself, and he went to the doctors' appointments with me whenever he could. He began to understand the awfulness of the illness and my limitations. As he became educated, he became a better advocate for me. Another bonus of Mark's going to the doctors with me is that he was able to add another perspective, in addition to mine, regarding how things were going. Mark would help me remember and apply the doctors' counsel.

This trial truly strengthened the love and commitment we have for each other .

Everyone needs his or her own advocate. However, not everyone has a spouse to provide this needed support. If you don't have someone to help you, you must remember you cannot do it alone. I encourage you to reach out to a family member, a friend, a church leader, a visiting teacher, a home teacher, a neighbor, or a work associate. Pray for help and the Lord will provide.

Our children, too, were good helpers. On some mornings when I was not able, Katie, our oldest, would get the other children up, read the scriptures to them, and help them pack their school lunches. Sometimes Melissa helped by doing the laundry and picking up after the kids. (By this time we had five children.) Natalie was a peacemaker and helped by playing with Chase and Hannah. Each of our children seemed to understand that they needed to pitch in, in their own way. Children are good problem solvers. As the whole family pulled together, relationships again were strengthened.

One great blessing to me in managing the house during this time was the fact that my mother had taught me to “lay a foundation” in the home each morning. For me this consisted of picking up and tidying throughout the house, keeping the kitchen and bathrooms clean, starting the laundry, and preparing simple meals.

Mornings would turn into afternoons as I slowly went through the house. I would feel so frustrated as I walked in circles and stared out the window and made piles of things to go through “later.” Yet at least we didn't crumble when the foundation had been laid. The house looked orderly, meals were served (albeit it simple ones on many occasions), and there were clean clothes to wear.

Other things had to be put on hold, which saddened me, but we consciously made decisions so we weren't always putting out fires, so to speak. It was a matter of prioritizing; if I had strength to do only five things each day, the “foundation” concept helped me determine what five they should be.

Extended family members were also a source of support and help. My mother and mother-in-law rendered numerous acts of service in my behalf. My heart swells with gratitude as I recount the times they were willing to interrupt their busy lives and travel across the country to help and serve.

One seemingly small service provided by my mother that helped me tremendously is that she called me every morning long distance for several years to offer encouragement. My sisters were also a great means of support and help. Families across the nation fasted and prayed together for me — not just once but many times. Our motto, “We are all in this together,” expanded to include dozens of loved ones.

Learn to respond as well as possible to trials. Sacrificing and living with pain and frustration are all part of it. Yet I knew I had to transcend this illness with the help of the Lord. I realized we cannot pick and choose our trials, nor the timing of things that come our way. However, we have been given agency, and, to whatever extent we can use our agency we have a choice in how we respond to trials. We can choose whether we become “bitter or better.”

Elder Neal A. Maxwell gave us special insight into this principle when he pointed out that Jesus emulated this by “partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter.” Some days for me were bitter, but as I would stay close to the Lord, better days prevailed.

Wise Counsel

There are many ways to transcend an illness. When I was first diagnosed, my doctor said to me, “Elaine you have depression, but don't do depression.”

Despite the fact that it appeared to be a contradiction of terms, I knew what he meant. I didn't want to be known as “that woman who is sick.” I am sure that no one wants to be defined by an illness. I became good at masking my depression. I was to get out of bed every morning. I was to get dressed. I was to keep moving through the day the best I could. I was not to get into habits that were bad. Such “doctor's orders” are not easy to follow; yet it turned out to be among the wisest of all the counsel I received.

Most mornings I would have to pray myself out of bed. ‘Keep Moving” became my slogan. Mark would call me several times during the day and cheer me on to “keep moving.” There were days when I was too sick to “keep moving,” but when I could, I would just keep moving.

It was like moving through molasses, but it did not matter how fast or how efficiently I moved. The important thing was to move.

I came to know the value of distractions in assisting me through difficult days. Some of the distractions I used, and still use, are reading books, writing in my journal, exercising, working outdoors, reading to my children, helping and serving others, enjoying the company of family and friends, and making commitments and setting reasonable goals.

I learned that even though things were not always “just right,” it was important for me to still welcome friends into our home and carry out as many activities as possible for personal growth.

As time went on, other things worried me. I told my psychologist that I didn't want to go through life having “good” days and “bad” days. It just seemed to be such a discouraging thought. She suggested I reframe it to having “good” days and “slow” days. This did make me feel a lot better. I could handle “slow” days.

To help me through my slow days, I have what I now consider my first aid kit. It comprises scriptures, my patriarchal blessing, my journal, and many books. In my kit are also phone numbers of family and friends I may need to call or visit just to talk to. There are also phone numbers of various resources I may need. I have pictures to look at and music to listen to. I add to my kit whatever items I can that encourage me and give me hope.

A significant part of my kit has been my journal. In it I would record some of the thoughts I remembered from the many priesthood blessings that Mark has given me. Priesthood blessings are a tremendous source of strength and comfort.

My journal also consists of ideas on how to strengthen my faith, sacrifice, and simplify. I would write down some of my own ideas and any insights that came to me. It was important for me to read back and remember good thoughts and ideas. Rereading my journal would also help me see miracles that I didn't recognize as such at the time. I definitely could see the hand of God in my life!

We all need our own first aid kit.

On days that were dark and gloomy I would sometimes truly forget or discount what I knew to be true. In my reading I came across a quote by the English poet Coventry Patmore. He stated:

It is important to have the courage not to deny in the darkness what you have seen in the light.

Take care of yourself. Moving forward along the path to wellness, I've learned how important it is to take care of myself. I still see my doctor, just not as often. I take my medication consistently. I strive to live a healthy lifestyle. Eating right, going to bed on time, waking up on time, and avoiding stress make a big difference in how I feel. The healthier I am, the more effective is my medication and the better I feel.

Support and sustain the caregiver too. In our concern for the person who is suffering, it's easy to forget the one who is the caregiver. We must also “cheer the cheerleader.” At times they become tired and discouraged. Mark told me that he appreciated it when he would hear back from someone that I had told them how much I love him and how grateful I was for his service to me. The caregiver may also need help from family and friends, and sometimes may also need a priesthood blessing as he continues to sacrifice and serve.

Coping Mechanisms

Learn from trials. Pain is definitely hard to endure, yet it can edify, refine, and sanctify. It has been said, “There are lessons learned from pain that joy cannot teach.” However, we need a certain perspective if our suffering is to teach us. Anne Morrow Lindbergh shed more light for me as she wrote about a difficult experience in her life:

I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable.

Apply the Atonement. Reading about faith helped me to combat my fears. A huge insight for me was that I was not to have just “faith,” such as faith that I would get better soon. I was to have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, that He would help me in the ways that were necessary for me, and the timing would be His. The Lord knows us and loves us and has promised us that He will do whatever is best for us. It was not just faith hanging out there on its own, but it was faith in the Lord Jesus Christ that gave faith its foundation.

Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks; Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord … [A]nd all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for you good, and to my name's glory, saith the Lord.” (D&C 98:1-3)

For me, reading about one concept in the scriptures was more helpful than just reading chapters from beginning to end. When you're depressed, your perspective is altered. You are already so full of guilt and self-doubt that sometimes as you read the scriptures you feel confused or scolded. Scriptures were not meant for that. For me, reading a chosen topic, from references in the Topical Guide, was a better way to read the scriptures at those times.

With thoughts of faith on my mind, one day I noticed a quote on a wall at the school where my children attended. It said, “What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.” (Ralph Waldo Emerson) As I read that I became determined to have “faith in the Lord Jesus Christ” lie within me. I had never thought about faith as a power before, and I wanted to have that power in my life. I did not want to fear the future.

I had faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and I would weather this storm through his love and strength. Sometimes when my faith would be a little shaky, I would say to myself, “Elaine, it is either true or it is not true (referring to the gospel of Jesus Christ.) And if it is true, then the whole thing is true!” And I knew it was true! My hope was growing stronger that everything would be okay in my life. I was not sure how things would work out, yet I felt that all would be okay.

As I progress along the path toward wellness, I am grateful beyond words that I now enjoy a high degree of health and strength. However, I continue to work to keep things in check. I've come to the realization that each day we do need to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. I still struggle with pronounced fatigue and lack of being able to concentrate to a disabling degree. There are other little things to deal with along with the knowledge that my disease may flare up again. However, I do not fear or worry about it. The Lord is with me and time is on my side.

Extensive research is being carried out in the field of mental health. I feel that the Lord is inspiring scientists to find answers to many of the difficulties people experience. The future is looking brighter by the day.

There's a quote by Elder George Q. Cannon that I carry with me. It is a part of my first aid kit. It reads:

No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, [God] will never desert us. He never has, and He never will. He cannot do it. It is not His character. . . We have found that God. We have made him our friend, by obeying His gospel; and He will stand by us. We may pass through the fiery furnace; we may pass through deep waters; but we shall not be consumed nor overwhelmed. We shall emerge from all these trials and difficulties the better and purer for them, if only we trust in our God and keep His commandments.