by Daryl Hoole

“Stop being afraid of them,” was the answer a high school English teacher offered when a group of parents asked in exasperation, “What do you do about teenagers?” Such advice is sound with regard to teenagers in many situations. Certainly it is applicable in requiring their cooperation and help in the home.

The following key points may be useful to parents in establishing a strong, positive, and mutually beneficial relationship with their teenagers with regard to household responsibilities:

Determining expectations

Many parents lament the fact that just about the time children are mature enough to really help in the house they become too involved in school, work outside the home, and other activities to be of much assistance. Even so, older children and teenagers should not make work for others. In other words, they should keep their rooms clean and neat, leave bathrooms in good order, pick up after themselves, take turns in the kitchen if they are eating at home, and be responsible for their own laundry. If they’re too busy to do that much, then they are too busy. Being “too busy” to handle one’s personal responsibilities is a cop out—life will always be “too busy.” Don’t allow your children to rely on such a lame excuse.

Conditioning attitudes

A teenage girl was overheard to say, “I’m not interested in that homemaking stuff—I want to spend my life in service.” She went on to talk about recently helping out at the soup kitchen and she outlined her summer plans for volunteering at the homeless shelter.

These are certainly worthy service endeavors, but in her immaturity she overlooked the fact that service starts at home. It is important to first serve those whom we love the most and who love us the most—our families.

Being a good family citizen is one of the values that should be emphasized as children are being raised in the home. This involves loving, serving, and supporting other family members. In King Benjamin’s great address, just after he teaches that we should not “suffer” that our children go hungry or naked or that they transgress the laws of God he tells us how to accomplish this: “[Y]e will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another” (Mosiah 4:15).

We love those whom we serve. Teenagers who serve their parents by being obedient and helpful, and who serve their siblings by being kind and helpful, will be much more likely to be loving and kind toward them.

Children will have more respect and love for their mothers if mothers refuse to be the family maid. Furthermore, a cure for a teenager’s sullen, disagreeable attitude is often a family service project.

Developing skills

By the time a child is a teenager, he or she should be capable of handling any household task. If your teenager doesn’t know how to do these things, ask yourself, “When is he or she going to learn?” Now is the time to teach whatever skills will be needed in future life.

Also, remember that acquiring these skills isn’t just for their future benefit. These skills can help children qualify to earn Faith in God, Duty to God, and Personal Progress awards, as well as Scout merit badges.

A teenager’s abilities should not be limited to isolated tasks or random assignments. It’s important that he or she learns how to manage—to put it all together. Please see the following list for suggestions:

• Plan menus, go grocery shopping, and prepare meals for a week.
• Manage the entire house for a day.
• Make detailed plans for a family activity or vacation.
• Sort, wash, dry, fold, and put away clothing.
• Take full charge of the yard for a period of time. This would include delegating assignments to others, training and supervising them, and approving their work.

Establishing habits

Once when speaking to a group of teenage girls I asked, “How many of you know how to make a bed?”

“Duh! Anyone can make a bed,” they quickly asserted. Then I asked, “How many of you know how to make your bed every day?” There was stunned silence. It was obvious that it’s not just the knowing that counts - it’s knowing how to do something every time it needs doing that is important.

Instead of accepting excuses, help your children to realize that assuming responsibility for their personal affairs is really about habit, not about time. To help them understand this, suggest they time how long it takes to pull up the sheet and comforter as they get out of bed each morning. (We are not requiring hospital corners.) They’ll find that the clock hardly moves. The same applies to putting away clothing or hanging up a wet towel or stacking books and papers neatly. Once a teen’s room is dejunked and organized (a parent’s help in doing this can be appreciated), it can be maintained and kept respectable in less than five minutes a day.

The earlier in a child’s life, the easier it is to help him or her form a good habit. But it’s never too late No one is ever too old to develop a new, good habit.

According to the experts who study human behavior, it takes just three weeks to form a good habit. In other words, it’s only “twenty-one days to a better me”. Poor habits can be exchanged for good ones, or a new one can be identified that would serve us well. Habits can be our worst enemy or our best friend, our heaviest burden or our greatest helper.

One mother challenged the family to develop a better habit about wet towels. Instead of draping them over beds and furniture or dropping them on the floor, she wanted them to be hung up in the bathroom. She explained the three week concept and asked that family members form a new habit by making it a priority to consistently hang their towels up for the next twenty-one days. “If the new habit doesn’t take hold,” she added, “then I’ll just collect the towels and you can air dry!”

Refuting excuses to be weak and encouraging reasons to be strong

Some parents seem to believe that if a child does well in school, attends early morning seminary, is active in sports and music, keeps the Word of Wisdom, dresses modestly, and is morally clean, it’s okay if someone else has to pick up his or her underwear. In fact, life is not an “either/or” situation—that is, either be very busy or clean up after yourself if you have extra time. In fact, it is questionable rationale to excuse a child from personal responsibility and justify sloppy habits because “she’s an ‘A’ student,” or “at least he doesn’t smoke or drink.” or “it could be worse, she could be on drugs.” We should not allow the world to provide excuses for lowering our standards. Furthermore, we should help children reap the rewards of learning, developing good habits, exercising discipline, and striving for excellence in all important facets of their lives. Teach them that a clean room invites the Spirit, and that being organized and orderly are God-like qualities.

In his October 2004 General Conference address, “More Holiness Give Me,” Bishop H. David Burton stated, “Fewer and fewer parents ask their children to do chores around the house because they think they are already overwhelmed by social and academic pressures. But children devoid of responsibilities risk never learning that every individual can be of service and that life has meaning beyond their own happiness.”

Encouraging them to move on

”When you are prepared, there is no need to fear,” we often quote. Certainly one aspect of encouraging our grown children to move on to missions, advanced academic or vocational training, and marriage is to prepare them well for life. When they know how to successfully manage one life and one room, they gain the confidence to accept responsibility for more lives and more rooms. The principles for good management of self and home remain the same.

In the event that grown children choose, for whatever reason, to remain in their parents’ home well into adulthood or move back in after they’ve been away, new challenges must be dealt with. In one case, a father of two adult children living at home admitted that such a situation brings up a number of issues. He dealt with the challenges by establishing the understanding with the children, “My house, my rules.”

Providing positive reinforcement

As with children of any age, it’s important that teenagers feel accepted and appreciated by their parents. Whenever constructive criticism is needed, keep in mind the ten-to-one ratio—give ten compliments to your teen for every one correction. Certainly with regard to household tasks, parental approval and praise are the best motivators.

A wise parent, rather than making demands or issuing “orders”, will exercise some “friendly persuasion” through creativity or humor when enlisting a teen’s help and cooperation. A frustrated mother with a sloppy teenage daughter decided to be as positive as possible with regard to her daughter’s messy habits, hoping such an approach would bring about some desired results. Certainly complaining and criticizing hadn’t done such. One evening as the mother walked past the girl’s room she was horrified, as usual, by what she saw. How in the world, she wondered, could she say anything positive about such a deplorable situation? Suddenly she burst out, “My, what a neat ceiling you have!” Both mother and daughter laughed, and the girl went to work on her room.

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Do not deny your teenagers the opportunity of growth and progress by being afraid of them. Follow the key points above to rear your teenagers to be good family citizens. Good family citizens are usually good citizens in any situation at any time.

Related Articles:

Teaching Children to Work
Age-Appropriate Responsibilities