Q: I have a friend who is a recent convert to the Church, is widowed, and her closest family member is a thousand miles away.  She is clinically depressed and on medication.  I appreciate your daughter Elaine’s story on Meridian in February entitled, “It’s Like Walking Through Molasses—How One Woman Managed Her Life and Her Home While Dealing With Depression.”  The practical advice, encouragement, and hope it offered were very helpful to her.  She looks to me as a cheer leader and a source of support.  I am happy to do whatever I can for her. I go to the doctor with here and remind her to put on her “smiley face.”  I made her a “First Aid Kit” containing a copy of the scriptures, some inspirational thoughts and music CDs, etc. like you suggested in your story.  But I would appreciate some additional specific ways by which I can serve her. What does she need from me?  My question is, how can you help me help my friend?

Daryl (with Elaine Hoole Quinn): What a wonderful friend you are to this lady!  You are already doing a great deal to bless and help her.  Making a “First Aid Kit” is a splendid gift for her.  Following is a list of suggestions for your consideration:

1. You mentioned that your friend referred to the “First Aid Kit” as something to make her “happy.”  I have joked in such a way myself, yet there is always a kernel of truth in every joke.  So it is important for people suffering from depression (as well as their friends) to understand that depression is not the opposite of happiness.  The opposite of depression is wellness.  People who are depressed feel so hopeless and sad that they often think depression is the absence of happiness.  That is not true.
   
   When you are well and feel good, you are able to experience the full spectrum of emotion as appropriate.  It is a sign of wellness or well-being to truly feel what is consistent to what is happening in your life.  Becoming well after being depressed, brings a sense of relief to know that your body can readjust and that sad feelings are temporary and that a feeling of “well-being” comes back.  The feeling of well-being is what is desired.
   
   
2. Help your friend maintain a proper perspective.  Because depression’s symptoms distort one’s thoughts and minimize one’s capacity to see things in their proper light, it is important for you as her friend to communicate (in a non-threatening way) encouragement, understanding, concern, and love.

3. Help her communicate with her professional care givers.  I am glad you’re able to accompany her on her medical appointments.  Two sets of ears are better than one, and you can help her recall and apply the counsel she has received. 

4. It is very helpful for your friend to keep a medical journal in order to track her condition.  I used a 1 to 10 scale for rating my days. I would also list the medication I was taking.  I would express my feelings and insights. This journal was a great resource to both my doctors and me.

5. You can help her a lot by encouraging her to go on walks every day.  Maybe you can even walk with her.  Exercise is vitally important to a person with depression.  It is good for them to get out of the house for a while each day.

6. Encourage your friend to eat well and to have good sleeping habits.  Depression causes many body rhythms to be disrupted.  Helping her to be well nourished and to get the proper rest is highly beneficial. 

7. Help your friend to take her medication consistently every day and to follow doctor’s orders.  Frequently when a person starts to feel better, they decide they no longer need to take medication.  Going off medication needs to be the doctor’s decision.  Discontinuing medication, adjusting the dosage, or taking a different kind must be regulated by the doctor. 

8. Suggest that your friend expand her circle of cheerleaders.  Providing support and encouragement can be time consuming.  Although having one main friend who understands all the facts and can be her advocate is good, it is important that she also has a larger circle of understanding friends.  This provides additional resources for support and fresh perspectives. 

9. One more thing. You can be her “eyes” and “ears” and call attention to articles, talks, and other information that could be helpful to her about depression, gospel living, being filled with hope, being of good cheer, and having faith in the Lord. The Church has excellent resources that as a new member she may not be acquainted with, and there are other edifying materials available.  She will undoubtedly appreciate your increasing her awareness.  Would she enjoy a subscription to the Ensign if she doesn’t already have one?  Does she know how to access free material on line such as lds.org, or Meridian Magazine?  Resources such as these could be added to her “First Aid Kit.” 

Thank you for writing.  It’s good to know there are loving, caring people like you in the world who are true friends to others.  I’m sure you’re a lifesaver to your friend who doesn’t have family close by.  In fact, you are her family. 

We hope the above list will give you the ideas you’re searching for so you can “be there” for her.  This is true charity, the pure love of Christ. 

-- Daryl & Elaine