Q: I have admired you since your first book which I read as a newlywed.  Thank you for your respect for mothers, and precious insight into families!  I have had a terrible year with my 16 year old daughter and was touched by your recent article.  I too have fasted, prayed, gone to the temple weekly, attended counseling, and received priesthood blessings, but unfortunately I have not been as Christ-like as I should have towards her.  I have lashed out in anger and even alienated my family at times because of our rocky relationship.  I pray almost every day for resolution but it never seems to come.  How do you mend fences when you keep blowing it?

Daryl: My heart went out to you as I read about your struggle to give consistent love to a troubled daughter.  Certainly, countless mothers (and fathers) can relate to your situation when a child’s behavior pushes you to the very brink of endurance and when you care so much and you feel so desperate to save her that you try too hard, even becoming angry toward her at times.

As your letter indicates, this is as much your test as it is your daughter’s and you’re trying mightily to pass it, but you feel anguish when you periodically are less than Christ-like toward her.

You’re wondering about apologizing.  YES, it’s okay--even desirable--for parents to apologize for not handling a situation as maturely as they would like.  It requires a good deal of strength of character to apologize.  It is a sign of integrity to admit that you were wrong and want to make it right.  Someone once penned, “To error is human; to apologize is divine.”   Apologies can be healing and endearing, and, if handled properly, can give your daughter hope for herself in that you, too, are struggling with your own imperfections and are striving to overcome them.

In your effort to be consistent in being more loving, may I suggest a few thoughts that hopefully can be of help. 

• Endeavor to look at the “why,” not just the “what” of your daughter’s behavior.  Doing so can help you feel more compassionate and understanding.

• A quote from Br. John Lund, CES Instructor, in my January Meridian Magazine column and also from my book ( pg. 182) can make all the difference in dealing with errant children.  You’ll recall that he stated “If someone who is close to you (a spouse, a child, a sibling, or a friend) is wayward you should place your frustration at the feet of the Savior and extend your love to that person.”  Too often we do it the other way around and take our frustration out on the person and accelerate our service to the Lord to show our love.  Learning to do this can help you come to see the person as the Lord sees him.  And that can make all the difference.

• I keep a quote from Stephen R. Covey in a little frame on my desk to remind me of a meaningful principle in my life,  “Between stimulus and response, there is a space.  In that space is our power to choose our response.  In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

• Somehow there is a misunderstanding among many parents about what Christ-like love really is.  Some mistakenly think it is unconditional.  That is not       correct.  Christ-like love is perfect, universal, and infinite, but not unconditional. It is helpful for parents to understand this distinction.  (See an insightful article by Elder Russell M. Nelson captioned “Divine Love, Ensign, February 2003.)   It can be helpful for children to know that their Father in Heaven (and we as their earthly parents) love them because of their worth. (John 3:16; Ether 12:33) There is nothing our children can do to make God or us stop loving them. However, they do have to suffer the consequences. Our children need to be absolutely sure of that and the resulting consequences. Furthermore, God (and we) bless and favor them because of their worthiness.  (D&C 82:10; 130:20-21; 132:5)  Children need to know this as well. 

• To ease your anxiety about and anger toward your daughter, believe in the miracle of fasting and prayer.  (See The Ultimate Career, “Being of Good Cheer,” pg. 182-184) 

• To give you hope for your daughter, understand the power of covenants in saving  children.  (See The Ultimate Career, “What About Wayward Children?” pg. 111-113)  

• To comfort and strengthen you along the way, may I end with a tender poem by Phillips Brooks:

    Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers,
    Pray for powers equal to your tasks.
    Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle,
    But you shall be the miracle. 
                           (The Ultimate Career, pg. 145)

                                  Blessings to you, Daryl Hoole