Q: For health and financial reasons, and also because I enjoy it, I make nearly all of the food for my family from scratch (including homemade bread and a garden). I work hard to provide a variety of food that satisfies the different tastes of family members.

I have two problems. First, as my children get older and spend more time with friends, they notice that most families have boxed macaroni and cheese, portable yogurts, and other “convenience” foods and snacks. Suddenly, they complain about the food served at home. They have started eating poorly at home and then begging for snacks from the neighbors. What suggestions do you have other than “eventually they will appreciate you” during this stage?Second, and perhaps more important, how do you teach children to show respect for the family cook? I can take constructive criticism and usually ask if a new recipe is a “keeper.” I do not want to serve food that is poorly cooked or disliked. But after all of the time and energy put into meals (shopping, planning, preparing, cleaning), it is very discouraging when meals are full of complaining and whining — even when “favorite” dishes are served or made on request. It seems like the complaints are not always legitimate; for instance, at one frustrating meal a favorite dish was described as “not the same as last time.”

Is it wrong for the family cook to require everyone to verbally compliment something at the meal? What are some respectful ground rules for stating an opinion (negative or positive)?

Daryl: You are to be commended as a mother for your desire to safeguard your children's health and live within your budget by providing nourishing, home-prepared food for them. I admire your efforts to “serve a variety of food that satisfies the different tastes of family members.”

You didn't mention the number and ages of your children, but you asked about suggestions to help your children be more appreciative of the meals and snacks at your house and how to help them show more respect to you as the cook.

I was concerned to read of your children's complaints about the food at home — that they eat poorly at home and then beg for snacks at the neighbors. These concerns are very significant ones — so much so, in fact, that I've consulted with my daughters and daughters-in-law regarding them. These eight mothers are raising 36 children among them, ranging in age from age 25 to 2. Together, as mother and daughters, we've come up with some thoughts about healthy eating.

We're offered a number of suggestions, undoubtedly more than are applicable in your case. We just hope you will find something useful for you.

First of all we agree that there is nothing more delicious to eat or more conducive to nourishment and health than artfully and lovingly home-prepared food. It's a fortunate family where there is a mother willing to put the time, effort, and thought into meal planning as you evidently do. As we see it, however, your children are yearning for some occasional “store bought” food, the kinds they associate with fun and good times and which most of their friends eat.

A friend once told me that her mother, a talented seamstress, made all of her clothes as she grew up. Even though the dresses were stylish and beautifully sewn, my friend longed for a “store bought” dress. One day as a special surprise, her father presented her with a dress he purchased from a local shop. She was elated. She said made her feel that she was of greater worth to her parents and being more on a par with her friends. It gave her such an emotional lift, she said, that even the memory of it throughout her life has been a source of self worth and confidence.

You emphasized concern for your children's physical health, but undoubtedly their total well-being is of great importance to you. We're blessed that we can look to Jesus Christ as the supreme example of the complete person.

A key to this is a scriptural reference in Luke 2:52 that succinctly and profoundly sums up the first thirty years of the Savior's life by stating: “Jesus increased in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man.” Certainly this describes the pattern of development we would want for our children. Thus the ideal, as we endeavor to emulate the life of the Savior, is to personally follow His example and to raise up our children to be mentally/emotionally, physically, socially, and spiritually healthy adults who love their fellowmen and serve the Lord.

We'll address your concerns under the four categories of mental/emotional, physical, social, and spiritual well-being. They are so inter-related that it's impossible to discuss one facet without serious consideration of the others. For our purposes, we'll begin with the physical facet.

Physical Well-Being

The Lord has given us a remarkable law of health through the Prophet Joseph Smith in section 89 of the Doctrine and Covenants. This revelation is a sensible, balanced way to health with the promise of both temporal and spiritual blessings. It may be useful, in helping children understand and apply this divine counsel in their lives, to classify the Word of Wisdom into “Never foods,” “Sometimes foods,” and “Always foods.”

Wise parents “pick their battles” with their children. With regard to the Word of Wisdom, we as mothers and fathers should stand immovable on the “never foods,” which are clearly specified in the revelation and which should not be touched. We should encourage the “always foods,” which are also clearly listed and can be eaten any time. We should also be flexible and realistic regarding the “sometimes foods,” which are for occasional consumption. This latter classification includes such things as candy, sugar cereal, soda pop, potato chips, corn dogs, white bread, ice cream, donuts. They are not healthy choices, but they're also not harmful if eaten on a limited basis.

Parents who are too rigid regarding these “sometimes foods” fight a losing battle and run the risk of eventually losing the entire “war.” If they don't respect children's desires for occasional “fast” and “fun” foods, their children will always be going to the neighbors.

You cannot control what your children eat when visiting friends. Remember, the power to choose (agency) is inherent in all of us. Agency is an integral element in the Lord's Plan of Salvation. If we try to limit it in our children, we are practicing unrighteous dominion.

There is a difference between control on one hand and guidance and direction on the other. All we can do is teach our children correct principles so they can hopefully govern themselves wisely.

It's true that many foods made from “scratch” are less expensive than commercially prepared foods. But, surprisingly, this isn't always the case. In some instances the packaged food is the better bargain. For instance, a box of macaroni and cheese (even organic) can cost less than making it from scratch.

Emotional Well-Being

As mentioned above, the Word of Wisdom is a sensible, balanced way of healthy eating. It reflects the fact that the gospel lifestyle is one of moderation in all things. If gospel principles are carried to the extreme, by either failing to follow them or by overdoing them and going beyond the mark, the Spirit is likely to depart from us and blessings are lost.

We agree that homemade food tastes better than boxed store food; however, whenever children find commercially prepared foods completely off limits it makes those foods more enticing. It can happen that an obsession or a craze for certain foods is created and children will gorge themselves when mother isn't looking.

It's important to help our children learn to choose good foods from home and the grocery store while they're young. When they move away to schools, go on missions, go with other families or friends on trips, or go to camps, they need to be able to walk into a store and purchase items that are pre-made and healthy. Helping them while they're young to know how to make those choices will be to their advantage later.

Showing respect is a two-way street. Your children will be more inclined to respect you if you also respect them and are considerate of their desires and preferences

Respect cannot be solicited or forced. An outward response may be elicited, but inward resentment may be building up which could eventually manifest itself in negative ways.

The best way to invite children's respect and foster their appreciation is to model it as husband and wife to one another and as parents toward children. A powerful lesson takes place in a home when Dad says to Mother after eating, “That was a great dinner. Thank you!” or “Mother has worked hard preparing this fine meal for us. Let's show our appreciation by saying ‘thanks' and cleaning up the kitchen.”

Social Well-Being

Take consolation as a mother that some complaining is normal. I remember the story about a teenage boy entering the kitchen, seeing a casserole baking in the oven and asking his mother why she was baking the garbage!

Seriously, however, we should not stifle children's honest feelings, but there is a time and place and an appropriate way for expressing them. In some instances the complaint may cause the parent to make an adjustment; in other cases the parent may respond with, “Nevertheless, this is the way it needs to be at our house.”

Only positive remarks should be allowed at the dinner table. People who make negative comments are invited to leave the table. It's a good idea to set up a family suggestion box (shoe box, with a slit cut in the lid). All complaints are to be put in the box so they can be handled later.

This defuses lots of problems, because only the serious complaints make it to the box. And when complaints are not broadcast, they are less likely to spread through the family like a disease. Alternatively, you could have an open forum as part of each Family Night. If the complaint is legitimate and serious enough, the child will remember to discuss it during the open forum. Otherwise, it will be forgotten.

These complaints may be further reduced by the following:

• Designate one Friday night per month for “box” macaroni and cheese or some other packaged food that appeals to your children.
• Allow each child to choose a sugar cereal for breakfast on his or her birthday.
• Celebrate special occasions with the children's choice of menu.
• Treat the family to something of their choosing from the store after a big work project has been completed.
• Don't forget that children eight years old and up have the opportunity to help prepare meals for the family through the scouting and Faith in God programs. Include them more in the growing, planning and preparations — even let one meal a week be for them to do entirely by themselves. Be sure to say “thank you” even if it's just hot dogs with corn chips and apple slices and offer to help clean up!

We think you'll find that with a little more agency exercised in regard to food choices, the respect and appreciation situation will gradually become less of an issue. Most mothers of growing children feel overworked and under-appreciated, but some day there will be that letter from college or the mission field or that phone call as they become parents, themselves, expressing appreciation for the wonderful upbringing they experienced in your home.

It is truly difficult for Latter-day Saint children to grow up in today's world. Try to imagine yourselves in their shoes as they are faced with the constant challenge of being “different” from many of their friends, and you'll get an inkling of how they must feel.

Our standards involving the Sabbath, the Word of Wisdom, modesty, and chastity do make us a “peculiar” people. Instead of making it harder than necessary for your children, causing them to become rebellious and turn against you and what you represent (and thereby disregard the standards of the Church), use your time, energy, and ideas to offer support and encouragement and provide strength as they endeavor to choose the right.

One of my daughters reports an incident about houseguests who were unreasonably strict in their eating habits. One of their sons was found “sneaking” a Popsicle from the freezer at every opportunity. The disobedience and dishonesty he was practicing were far more destructive to him than eating the Popsicle.

It's important that our children bring friends home, and the main way to make this happen is to attract their friends through food. Whatever the cost in money and time, it's about the least expensive, most effective and safest way to provide socially for our children. Actually, we found the friends' favorite foods were both inexpensive and healthy. The friends devoured my oven fresh bread, homemade strawberry jam. One fine young fellow always asked if he could take a loaf home, and away he'd go with it tucked under his arm.

I also enjoyed turning out hot scones from my bread dough until one day our high school age son said that a neighbor up the street made better scones and suggested I get her recipe. Her “recipe,” as it turned out, was just to purchase prepared frozen rolls at the grocery story, allow them to thaw and rise for a few hours and then deep fry them. True, they were lighter and better than my scones, and I've been using her “recipe” for thirty years since.

Today our grandchildren rave over the hot scones spread with honey and eat them by the dozens. Served with gallons of cold milk, they make a wonderful, inexpensive treat.

Spiritual Well-Being

We see how overlapping and inter-related the principles of a balanced life are and why the Lord declared, “Wherefore, verily I say unto you that all things unto me are spiritual, and not at any time have I given unto you a law which was temporal” (D&C 29:34).

Wise parents will discern the lesser of two evils. Which is worse, allowing children “sometimes foods” or putting them in a position where they beg, cheat, and sneak — or rebel? There is great protection available and countless blessings to enjoy through diligent adherence to the Word of the Lord. As already stated above, when we add to His word, however, we run the risk of losing direction and becoming fanatic, having the Spirit depart from us, and missing the promised blessings, and the blessings are many.

The Lord assure us that, “all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones; And shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures; And shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint. And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the destroying angel shall pass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them. Amen” (D&C 89:18-21).

Dear friend, in conclusion we once again commend you for being such an ambitious, caring cook and wanting the very best for your children. This response describes the pattern of development we would want for our children. Thus the ideal, as we endeavor to emulate the life of the Savior, is to personally follow His example and to raise up our children to be mentally/emotionally, physically, socially, and spiritually healthy adults who love their fellowmen and serve the Lord.

                                    -- Daryl