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Q: I am recently divorced (not my choice) after close to 30 years of marriage and eight children. I have had to leave my home and work full time after being a full-time stay-at-home mom. I still have three children at home, the youngest eleven. I am finding it really hard to “do it all.” I am a registered nurse and work both day and night shifts. On my days off I end up doing all the cleaning and such that are more surface and never get to the deeper cleaning and organizing. I have so much clutter to go through but just never seem to be able to get to it. My eleven-year-old is a big help, but her two older sisters are not. I end up feeling like a failure because I can't get my house in order. Sometimes I feel so down and like I will never be in control of my life again. Do you have any suggestions?
Daryl: My heart went out to you as I read of your concerns and challenges. What a huge load you are carrying. I wish there were a magic wand that could make things better or a team of little elves to work wonders in your home, but alas, such is not the case.
It is a fact that mothers with additional careers cannot get it all done at home. There are too many demands. It is too big a job. Almost no one has the time, strength, and energy to deal with everything that needs attention.
Life is particularly challenging for mothers who are single. President Gordon B. Hinckley spoke directly to them about this at the general Relief Society Meeting, September 27, 2003, as follows:
I speak to you single mothers whose burdens are so heavy because you have been abandoned or have been widowed. Yours is a terrible load. Seek the blessings of the Lord. Be grateful for any assistance that may come out of the quorums of the priesthood to help you in your home or with other matters. Pray silently in your closet, and let the tears flow if they must come. But put a smile on your face whenever you are before your children or others.
In order for women who have additional careers, whether married or single, to accomplish what matters most, it becomes necessary that some “selected neglect” be practiced. For instance, when there has to be a choice, it is more important to have clean dishes than clean windows.
Most importantly, for the sake of your family, you need to become more people-oriented and less task-oriented. That being the case, being good at prioritizing will serve you and your family well. Being organized and efficient can facilitate your efforts, as can encouraging the help and cooperation of family members.
Following are some tips that hopefully will be helpful:
Prepare in advance to help things run smoothly . A further application of the old adage applies: An ounce of evening is worth a pound of morning. Take time before going to bed to prepare for tomorrow:
- Lay out clothing.
- Put up lunches.
- Gather school supplies and load backpacks.
- Unload the dishwasher, leaving it ready for a quick reloading after breakfast.
- Put a load of laundry in the washer before retiring for the night (or start the laundry first thing in the morning). Switch the load to the dryer. The clothes will be ready to fold upon your return home.
Use efficiency in meal planning to assure nourishing meals with minimum preparation time.
- Group dinner preparations can save time. It can be easier and quicker to prepare a large amount of one type of food than to prepare small amounts of several types. Get together with two neighbors and each prepare three dinners a week. Then share with each other. In this way dinner arrives at each door, ready to be served, two nights a week.
- Specialize in crock-pot cookery. A slow cooker is an indispensable item for every busy woman.
- Prepare food in large amounts. Set aside some in the refrigerator or freezer for later use. For instance, prepare enough for Sunday dinner so that there are planned leftovers for another meal or two. (Some people refer to such food as “planned-overs.")
- Plan to have on hand eight meals in the freezer or pantry that you can put on the table in thirty minutes. This way, you know you can sit down to a good dinner at least two different weeknights each week during the month.
Be with your children even in your absence . A mother need not always be at home in order to be in the home.
- Phone home often.
- Leave love notes in the kitchen or family room, on your children's beds, or taped to their bathroom mirror.
- Place treats and other surprises in strategic spots from time to time.
Make time for your family and for fun.
- Take advantage of any flexibility your employer might offer to work during your lunch hour and leave an hour earlier each day. If possible, arrange to come in an hour early every day so that Fridays can be half days.
- Make sure that Saturdays are not just for house and yard cleaning chores. Set some time aside each week for a fun activity with family members.
- Multi-task where possible. Use a headset so you can work with your hands while talking on the phone. Consider multi-tasking in order to spend one-on-one time with a child ? such as including him as you run an errand, or suggest that a child work with you in the kitchen or laundry room.
Accept help from others.
Focus on the positive.
- As you retire each night, think about what you have done, rather than what you have not done. Rejoice in your successes and accomplishments, even the little ones. Allow yourself to enjoy a sense of satisfaction!
- Encourage yourself by setting out a vase of fresh flowers or a holiday decoration, or by serving dinner on colorful place mats or doing whatever that might give you hope and peace.
- Energize yourself by having at least one area (closet, cupboard, desk top, or room) that is neat and orderly and thereby experience a surge of energy and a sense of hope for more to follow. The old adage is true, nothing succeeds like success.
- Put the pressure of your workload on paper, rather than on your mind. In other words, make a list of all that needs to be done. It helps to see it in black and white.
In this way, you see a beginning and an end to your work. Just putting something on the list is a step toward getting it done.
Then prioritize the list according to importance and categorize it according to what you can do and what others can do. On especially discouraging days, you might write down things you did that weren't on the list — such as carrying out the trash — just for the reward of crossing something off. It's great therapy! This gives you solid evidence that you are getting somewhere.
The list helps you direct your efforts and focus on whatever task is at hand. The list doesn't change all that needs to be done, but writing it out can help you feel more in control of the situation.
- Keep a gratitude or a miracle journal. Record the tender mercies in your life, acknowledging the hand of the Lord in the blessing. The more you look for the hand of the Lord, the more you will see it. Someday you'll come to realize that YOU are the miracle.
Be of good cheer. Feelings of discouragement sap our strength; being of good cheer enhances it. The Savior admonished us by saying, “In the world ye shall have tribulation; but be of good cheer: I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33) “Being of good cheer is being valiant in the testimony of Jesus Christ.” (Elder Neal A. Maxwell)
Do the very best you can.
We end as we began, with the words of President Hinckley: “
I recognize … that there are some women (and it has become very many in fact) who have to work to provide for the needs of their families. To you I say, do the very best you can.
And then, with heartfelt understanding, he further advised,
It is well-nigh impossible to be a full-time homemaker and a full-time employee. I know how some of you struggle with decisions concerning this matter. I repeat, do the very best you can. You know your circumstances, and I know that you are deeply concerned for the welfare of your children.
Then President Hinckley concluded with this tribute to all the women of the Church:
And so, my beloved sisters, please know how much we appreciate you. You bring a measure of wholeness to us. You have great strength ... I bear testimony before the entire world of your worth, of your grace and goodness, of your remarkable abilities and tremendous contributions, and invoke the blessings of heaven upon you. ("To the Women of the Church," Ensign , Nov. 2003, 115; "Women of the Church," Ensign , Nov. 1996, 69-70.) (Information taken from The Ultimate Career — The Art of Homemaking for Today by Daryl Hoole, chapter, “Tips for Mothers With Additional Careers,” pp. 63-66.)
-- Daryl
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